Whoa. Emotions

Who knows what day…6:30 a.m. Taiwan Airport

I don’t know if it was the emotional week leading up to this trip, but lifting up from LAX airport for a 14 hour flight to Taiwan almost made me start bawling in my seat. I’m going to attribute it to holding in my tears all week about Jacob’s accident. I kept saying I never was in the right place to just have a good cry and get it over with. But there is something about flying away halfway around the world that will take all of your emotions and create a huge lead ball in your stomach and a lump in your throat. I’m not a big crier but spent most of the 14 hours holding back tears, fighting back panic of being trapped, of leaving home, of being alone. As I swirl it around in my head, I think that’s the word I keep going back to…alone. When are we ever truly alone? Even when we find some time away from people, anyone you want to talk to is always just a phone call away. But last week God isolated Jacob and Dad to teach them some things. Now I'm voluntarily jumping into isolation. The LAX airport did nothing to calm my nerves as I ran from terminal to terminal, trying to locate my bags and navigate the insanity that was the international terminal. To be alone is humbling and frightening. I pride myself as a pretty tough cookie that doesn’t blink an eye at traveling around the world, away from family and friends and home. It’s just part of the fun. But this feels different. All I could do was whisper over and over again to God, “Please give me peace.” Peace. It takes on a whole new meaning when you feel like a little girl left alone in the supermarket. God didn’t take away the fear or the emotions I was so frustrated with, but He let me sleep. I feel much better not being stuck on an airplane for 14 hours. Anyone who believes they are strong on their own should face that flight by themselves. God didn’t give me any answers other than “I’ve got something to teach you.” I’d hoped that, prayed for that. It was one of the main reasons I wanted to go so far, in a country where I didn’t know the language. I felt like I needed a good kick in the butt before this last year of school and if I didn’t have the guts to face the lessons God wanted to teach me now, I would never learn them. I just had no idea He was going to start the moment the first plane took off from Pittsburgh airport. Even now, writing that word brings a lump to my throat again. Will this be my first bout of homesickness since my England trip all those years ago? I can only pray that being met by people who speak my language will make the difference. I can only hope.